I have been inspired by something my neighbor said to me a week or so ago. I said that I was interested in stunt doubling and I was SSOO excited about it! His response was not what I was expecting- he seemed like a fun, outgoing guy who would be super excited by my potential dream. However he responded with something like “that’s great… but are you on your knees every day asking the Lord what He wants you to do, what would bring Him glory?” I brushed this off… I really didn’t know how to respond… because the real answer I should have given was no. I should have told him about how I kind of have been putting God on the back burner.
I have been partially freaking out lately. I knew this would happen when I got here but I thought I would be able to get through it. The reality is that I haven’t been putting the armor of God on and I can’t get through this transition time without it. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, all these cool ideas (all of which are completely different from one another) are having a dance party in my mind with “Please Don’t Stop the Music” distractedly blaring in the background. I have come to the conclusion that I’m a confused artist with a million different interests and talents. I don’t know where to start, let alone where to even look to start. I want my life to be amazing. I want to do crazy things for the Lord even if that means I’m supposed to lay low for my whole life in some coffee shop. I know that if I’m doing what He wants me to do I’ll have peace… right now I have peace with the fact that I am my Father’s beloved daughter and I find joy in the blood Jesus spilled so that I may be in direction communion with Abba; but I still feel like something is missing in my life. Like I’m made for something bigger than what I’m doing right now. My life was made for more than just being a waitress. I know that I carry the presence of the Holy Spirit with me wherever I go and that means that just by having His love in my heart, wherever I go the awful barriers and chains fear creates are shattered. That’s HUGE… but I still feel like I’m missing something.
I have been thinking maybe I’m just not satisfied with where I’m at with the Lord. Maybe I’m just not doing things right. Maybe I’m not praying right, or reading His Word right, or living right… but I never will be perfect. I don’t think the problem is that I’m not doing things right because I’m always learning. I think… I stopped typing for a while… I just don’t know?!
Why do I feel this need for something in my life? I’m serving as a waitress right now but I feel like I’m not doing enough with this… I don’t like it all that much. Is this just not the right job for me? Maybe I’m just settling with what was the easiest job to find? Maybe I’m over thinking things? Maybe I’m not at the “right place” with God? Maybe I’m just too much of a dreamer?