If you haven’t heard of Jonathan and Melissa Helser, then you haven’t ever read my blogs. The Lord has used them to speak to me hardcore in the last few years… and they don’t even know it! That’s the beauty of the internet- you can be used by Him to make a HUGE difference in others’ lives. In Jonathan’s podcast, Born for Greatness, he starts things off by saying (something along the lines of) “here is a little equation to figure out the greatness God has put inside you. The exact place you’re hit with the most fear is where you’re created to do great things. The spirit of fear comes against you because he’s afraid of you. The spirits of confusion hits you because when you walk out who you’re made to be you confuse the enemy. Insecurity comes against you because when you walk out who you’re made to be you make the enemy insecure and vulnerable.”
Wow… this is some heavy stuff!
I was recently fasting and God totally used it to pull me in tight, close into His heart. It was amazing! The most memorable moment was probably when I was reading this book… I don’t even remember what it is exactly that I read, but something I read triggered my memory. I remembered these lines Jonathan said in his podcast and it hit me- I have been deathly afraid of submitting essays/poetry/any sort of assignment that required me to place words on a piece of paper and string them into grammatically sound sentences/paragraphs. However, it seemed that I would always get amazing grades and awesome feedback. What’s up with that? I was so afraid that someone that I looked up to as my temporary mentor for the year would reject me because of the grammatical mistakes or poorly structured sentences in an essay. I was even more afraid that my creative ideas would be rejected. I get so excited over a piece of work especially when I put a lot of time into it and consider it something quite special, unique and creative. To have a teacher or professor shut it down would be an utter disaster! It would be completely devastating!
Did something happen to me to make me so self-conscious with my writing? I opened up to one of my professors about my these fears and he asked me what happened to shatter my confidence. I honestly couldn’t think of a moment that would have scarred me for life. Maybe something happened that I can’t directly connect to my confidence issues with writing? Or (while that may be true) maybe I just have lots of potential as a writer and maybe the enemy is intimidated by that potential. Maybe he can see where I can go with this gift and maybe that makes him afraid. Maybe the fear and confusion I’ve been struggling with ever since high school can be explained by the fact that the enemy is afraid of my potential and when I begin to walk out in what I’m created to do it confuses him. I make the enemy feel insecure and vulnerable and so he attempts to toss that right back at me. Maybe what Jonathan said in his podcast can be applied to this particular situation in my life.
I honestly never saw myself as a writer, but I always enjoyed writing. Just recently when I moved to California I started writing a heck of a lot. Ever since I’ve started to really draw near to the Lord my pen hasn’t stopped running and the music of fingers crackling against the keyboard hasn’t stopped playing. I never thought of myself as a writer, but maybe I am.
What do I do with this now? Keep writing? Sure, that’s easy… but what do I actually want to do with this/practically see myself doing with this? What does God want me to do with this? I guess I’ll just keep writing and He’ll reveal it to me. Even if it’s just as simple as keeping a journal so that I might get my insane thoughts out of my head and onto paper, I’m happy with that. Even if it’s just as simple as having a blog so that the Lord can minister to others through my insane thoughts, I’m happy with that.
I don’t want to limit myself when I say these things. I know that I am gifted with a camera. I just felt like I had to acknowledge this because when something new comes up in my life
I tend to run with it and forget about everything else. So I’m just making an active effort to continue pursuing photography (or continue praying for an affordable camera to come my way so I can continue pursing photography) while I begin to pursue this whole writing thing.
In less than one month 1/3 of my new, VERY large journal has been painted with hundreds of nonsensical (okay, I’m sure some of them are clever) strings of words. Very cool. I’m so glad that my eyes have been opened to this!! Wow… now it’s time to dance to let all of this excitement manifest into [Nicole’s version of] radical break dancing moves.