It Ends With a “Boom”

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27 weeks pregnant

“How did I get here” she wonders with her cheek sandwiched between her bones and the tile on the bathroom floor. The tropical candle scent cannot mask the aroma of shock and despair. What felt like hours was mere minutes as she develops the strength to sit up, back up against the wall and test in hand. Who can she call while in tears as two pink lines begin ripping through her heart? She should have learned by now that she is more than capable of anything and everything. Past experience has taught her this at the very least- she is perfectly capable of committing any and all sin she thought would never penetrate through her heart.

Suddenly strength trickles through her blood as her body rises above her callused feet and broken heart. After a few robotic movements she is surrounded by the familiar living room paintings that seem to be lacking their familiar spirit of hope and inspiration. Her mask of happiness starts losing its place on her face after finding refuge there for years. She has been able to cope with all the other struggles that she as brought upon herself, but not this.

Days and weeks sail by without as much as a whisper from hope. She sits in the cold, lonely office with outdated magazines to keep her company as doctors confirm her body is no longer her own, but the home of her growing child. How can a baby be so close to her yet feel so unreal? How is it that she is surrounded by bodies but feels as though she is alone in the desert with only the heat of the earth as company and support? How can a human grow inside of her that she feels no connection with whatsoever?

Whispers from Satan take root in her mind- she is already a failing mother, how could she not posses love for her child (secretly and shamefully praying for miscarriage). So many women hope and pray for the blessing she is experiencing. She hopes and prays for something else. Words may comfort for a moment, love may uplift for a second, but she always finds herself returning to the rock in the wilderness where she sits staring at the vast array of nothingness, feeling abandoned and alone. If her life were a song it would sound something like a bittersweet symphony ending in a boom.

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Stalled…

One year later… a lot happens in a year. Many advances as well as set backs occur and it seems like, in the end, nothing really changes. Life is a journey of me figuring out what I should be doing with myself. In the mix of the daily routine redundancy allows me to forget about moving forward and remain content with what happens in the day. This, however, does not allow for much creativity or rejuvenation. There is an inevitable, unique form of laziness that comes with all of this. Although I may be getting all of the necessary tasks done in a given day, I never make time to write and nothing much really inspires writing anymore. I hardly make crafty things with my hands anymore and I hardly dance anymore. I get so caught up in the mundane that I end up just sitting around in my free 38208_1400593662578_1464390290_31144873_2691112_ntime instead of filling my soul. Whenever I want to make a change I never know where to start.

So this is a venting blog post. There is hope that changes will be made but I have yet to see that through. I just decided to throw out a random blog in hopes to jump start some change.

Do you ever experience these set backs?

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Removing the Veil- Here’s the Truth

Back again! I’m still trying to get some sort of schedule together so that I’m writing more often but it’s been a process.

Being fairly new to the “real world,” it is difficult when I find myself having to juggle these
newly founded responsibilities with blog time, friend time, adventurous hikes, and roadtriprelaxing days at the beach. Every year that goes by I find that this dance between responsibility
and the enjoyment of life is a lot like a slow motion, head on collision. It is a difficult figuring things out when I know that life is meant to be enjoyed but the only way to fully experience that enjoyment is by managing my life properly. I won’t be able to complete a creative project in a messy, distracting, chaotic house. I can’t put gas in my car without hard earned money. I can’t enjoy a movie at home with munchies unless I get shopping done and I won’t have clothes to wear tomorrow if I don’t get the laundry done.

I guess adulthood is easier for certain people than others. For the adventurous, spontaneous spirit it is a long, sometimes depressing journey. I wish I could tell people about how successfully (and quickly) I made the transition from adolescence to adulthood, but that just wouldn’t be true. I find myself attempting to prioritize only to ditch my plans because the beach sounds more fun. Once and a while that’s not such a bad thing but lacking the ability to say no when a more appealing opportunity arises is a problem.

I don’t know where this is going exactly. Sometimes you just have to be honest with the world. I LOVE my life. Learning how to live it is an uphill climb. I am by no means unwilling to make that climb, and I do understand the long term benefits that will come from persevering through the bad decisions and mistakes.

People often want to toss out some pep talk after a post like this but I really think this is how most people like me react to life. We’re strong so we learn, succeed, and thrive. We’re honest so we talk about it. We’re able to enjoy it even though the process is tiring and confusing.

So for those like me, let’s just keep on living. Let’s make the mistakes, have those lazy days that we regret, and abandon the schedule we try so hard to keep. Why? Because every time I fail I get stronger! Every day the TV or friends become priority over important tasks I get more and more angry! When the frustration and anger sets in it give me a greater desire to keep moving forward and the motivation to say NO next time to the distraction. A big thanks (no sarcasm) to the enemy who has attempted to destroy me by throwing some laziness and those diversions my way. They have become a footstool for my feet. Your feeble attempts of destruction strengthen my passion to have motivation, focus, and order be priorities in my life. Who’s with me?

 

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Take Action

Obviously my goal of posting every day in February didn’t pan out. In fact I didn’t even remember I made that a goal until my brother reminded me yesterday while we were chatting. I can’t access my internet at the house so going to Starbucks every day would not only get pricey (even though I just spend $1.50/$2 on regular coffee) but it would also become a hassle trying to squeeze that in every day. Sometimes when I get excited about something I over-commit (I’m sure you can relate, over-commitment is very common these days).

Before setting a drastic goal we need to be realistic. Is this feasible? Will I even see this through? Will it still be enjoyable a month down the road or will it become a burden? What I should have promised to myself was that I would blog a minimum of 5 times last month. If I exceeded that goal I would’ve felt great! 5 times is much more reasonable than 28 times (28 days in the month of February).

Kyle Idleman in his book AHA challenged his readers to take action in life. He left me with a statement to ponder, “here and now I…” and then I’m supposed to fill in the blank. This book primarily addresses spiritual awakening; Idleman frequently refers to the prodigal son and specifically highlights this man’s decision to take the ultimate walk of shame back home to his father (after spending his entire inheritance on booze and whores). Luke 15 basically says one day realized he made a mistake “and [so] he arose and came to his father.” He identified the issue, admitted he made a mistake, and immediately took action by going back home.

“Going back home” looks different for everyone. This man literately left home and had to walk back. I, on the other hand, have figuratively left home… in SO many ways I might add. There are certain things I need to do in order to experience happiness and joy. I need to be creative. I need to be outdoors. I need to be reading the Word. I need to keep busy.

After reading this book I conclude there are certain promises I need to make and certain goals I need to set; they must be realistic, yet challenging at the same time. The walk back home might be difficult because I’ve already established a certain routine, but it’s necessary.

161407So I’m going to grab my journal (and if you don’t keep a journal, today is a perfect day to start) and make some goals. I think I may have to post them somewhere in my house as well. Time to “git er done.”

In what ways have you wandering away from home to the “distant country” (as Idleman puts it)? Are you ready to take action?

YOU CAN DO IT!

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Raw Dependence

“… raw dependence is the raw material out of which God performs His greatest miracles.” Mark Batterson The Circle Maker

I’ve come to realize that I can’t do very much on my own. Success has many definitions, but to most it would seem contradictory for me to call myself successful while also admitting I strive towards dependency. For most people today success normally has something to do with what kind of education they can get, which leads to what kind of job they can nail, and  it ultimately comes down to how much money they can make. The craziest part is that it’s all on YOU! We have shunned the idea of dependency and worshiped independence. If that’s what success is then I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want to look back on my life worrying that maybe I didn’t make enough money to validate my existence. Success is much more than a thriving career and bank account.

True success is best explained by the quote above. It’s not about how much you are able to do, it’s about how much you allow God to do through you. He has the ability to take a life and transform it. He has the ability to take someone who looks quite unsuccessful in the world’s eyes and use that person for His glory. You and I may not notice the woman walking down the street with three kids at her side, but she IS successful. We may not notice the man in the wheel chair, but his encouragement skills are extraordinary and he is successful at transforming lives every day with one single sentence.

Most of us want to do something with our lives, but allowing God to shape that vision and to allow His validation to sink in to our hearts is essential. I may want to go to law school and become the best lawyer anyone has every seen, but maybe His plan is just for me to raise a few kids and make a difference in their world. Or maybe that is what He has for me, but to get through all of that school and deal with difficult people all day long will only be enjoyable and fulfilling if He is there keeping me sane through it all.

It’s time to let go. I’m not condoning laziness. Make plans and set goals, but at the end of the day listen to His voice that will guide you in the right direction. Allow “raw dependence” to take over. Strive to become one with Him and He will shape your visions and dreams. The best moments in our lives are those when everything seems to be falling apart and He is there to pick up all the pieces. Your level of success will shoot through the roof if you depend on Him and allow the Spirit to guide you through this crazy life.

I have no idea at all what I want to do with my life. There’s so many options (I’m extremely indecisive) and so many different routes I could take. Which one is best? Which one will be covered with His blessing? It’s time for me to let go and stop worrying about it. It’s time to take a step back and allow Him to help me narrow that list down so I’ll have a clear direction to go follow. Jesus didn’t go into ministry until he was in his 30’s so as far as I’m concerned, I have time… praying for direction, clarity, and inspiration over these next few years!

Have any of you experienced this state of “limbo” and witnessed the Spirit guide you out of it?

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The Year Flies By

Hard to believe it’s been over a year since I’ve been on here. I almost let myself give up something I very much enjoy. I might not be a perfect writer, but no one’s perfect. I have some stuff I have to get off my chest and this is how I always used to do it.

Many changes this past year. Craziness!

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There was much laughter,one day of walking down the aisle, and many days of loving an amazing man; many tears fell, forgetfulness tried to take over, the enemy tried to distract, but today is when that ends.

Life is a journey (everyone knows that). On a journey the hill goes up and it goes down, the mountain ahead seems impossible and before I know it, I’m on my way down. Sometimes I encounter deserts, sometimes I hide in the refuge of a cave, and sometimes it seems I’ve gone as far as I can go and somehow end up dancing on a beach at the ends of the earth. Where am I at right now? I think I’m coming out of hiding. I would poke my head out here and there to feel the wind, but it started lifting me up and I went back into hiding. Sometimes the warmth of the sun would soak into my skin but still, I went back into hiding.

DCIM103SPORTWhy do we hide away? Why do we put that smile on our face when it’s fake? Why do we poke our head out of hiding so everyone thinks we’re okay? It’s time to walk out of the cave. It’s time to start back on the journey that once made us feel so alive!

I’m not saying the past year has been a complete dry spell. There have been times that I felt close to the Father. There have been many times I have worshiped. But I have noticed that it didn’t lead me anywhere. I haven’t been growing. I was a robot going through the motions. I don’t want our relationship to be stagnant and fake, only to lead to a stagnant and fake marriage. I long to live an extraordinary life! Yes, I know, I will still experience “ups and downs” but I need to see results. I need to know that my relationship with God is going somewhere! I don’t want to be lazy about praying anymore!

Let’s see where this goes. My goal for this next month is to blog every day. I don’t care who reads this, or if anyone is reading at all. I need to do this for me and if God can use this to help someone else along the way and use this to help motivate me, then mission accomplished.

Time to get inspired.

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Falls Apart

When your world falls apart
you have to depend on Him

When Satan tries to have his way
you have to depend on The One

When you feel like your walls of security are falling down
you have to rely on the hope you have in Jesus Christ

When things don’t really go as planned
you have to stand strong on the Father’s flawless plan

When the people you love disappoint
you have to delight in the promises of the Dependable One

When this world seems to fall apart
He holds you together

When your small world seems to fall apart
He promises He’ll get you through

Always remember that His will will be done
and the hope you have in Jesus Christ will never diminish but rather
in times of need it will be on fire

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